At the Crossroads of Lost and Where-Am-I-Going

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I’m at that slightly overwhelmed, mentally frustrated and exhausted crossroads where I’m not sure what to do anymore. I have this fairly simple existence in mind, and yet no concept of how to actively put it into place. Ever been there? It’s confusing to say the least.

We are officially moved into the house and I’m loving it there. It really feels like home to me, especially now that we’re past the epic fiascos of lawnmower tires, 29-year-old hot water heaters, leaky plumbing connections, and electrical work done by a 2-year-old. There will ALWAYS be little projects on the to-do list, such is the life of homeownership, but the really big ones seems to be past us for now. (And if any of the new stuff goes kaput we have a home warranty!)

My job is still treating me well and I’m pretty certain there’s no way I’m going to find a better gig or better boss in town, but I’m really suffering from lack of desire to do anything. Even get up and go in the morning. Now once I’m at work I get things taken care of. I have a job (which is a good thing!) and therefore it has to be done whether I’m enjoying it or not. I’m still very pleasant with customers, try to stay on top of paperwork, etc. etc. There’s just not a whole lot of joy in the process for me right now and there hasn’t been in awhile. One thing that certainly doesn’t help would be the fact that I could get hired on at a local retail shop and make $1.75 more an hour than I do being fully licensed and dealing with legal processes. Ouch. Something wrong with that methinks. Not trying to be greedy here, I just want to be paid what my job is worth.

This is precisely how I feel in about every aspect of my life right now.
Image Courtesy of Google Images

I have yet to do a single thing to enjoy the beginning of summer. There’s been no hammock time, swimming, grilling, or anything yet. I’m kind of sad about that too since I actually own land now instead of renting next to a parking lot. Our schedules are so off-kilter and we’re simply too tired at the end of the day to do anything but go home and sit. Don’t get me wrong. I love sitting when it’s a relaxing thing to do. But when it happens because it’s the ONLY thing I can process doing? Not nearly as fun.

There’s a lot of complaining in this post and for that I am sorry. I do understand that a large portion of my problem is the lack of my get-up-and-go which is something only I can fix. I’m just at the crossroads of not having any idea how to fix it.

  • I want to make more money (in addition to the fact that it would make life a lot easier with bills), but to do that I would have to leave my job and therefore lose the very good boss I have as well as the freedom I have to work on other things when work stuff is caught up. This isn’t really an option. So here I stay.
  • I want to get our house put together, but I only have a little help with the interior unpacking and settling in. My job isn’t hard. I sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. Sometimes busy, sometimes not so. But by the time I get home I’m so mind-numbed that I stare at a box in the same way I might inspect a blade of grass poking up through a sheet of concrete. “Hmm… that’s odd.”
  • I want to write, but if I am mind-numbed to the point I can barely comprehend a box of things to put away, do you think I have it any me to eek out even an ounce of creativity? I’ve actually tried lately. Took my notepad, sat on the porch away from all distractions, focused on projects (both new and already started) that I want to work on. My mind was cotton. I’m fairly certain the inside of my head is currently hollow.
  • I want to do any other number of projects: tatting, organizing photos on the computer and scrapbooking them (both digitally and physically), enjoying all of my Asian music and dramas, blogging, backing up all of my writing, and more. But I don’t have any of it, not even a drop in me at all. (Except for maybe the music and a few TV show episodes… and even after that I feel guilty for indulging instead of being productive.)

So I’m at a crossroads.

I’m extremely blissfully happy with who I’m married to and where we’re living. Every day of those two things are a shining blessing of awesomeness that puts a smile on my face.

Yet I’m not at all happy with my career situation, nor am I happy with my lack of ability to do any of things that need doing or want to be done.

A conundrum.

(There will continue to be posts on this blog and I will keep them as regular as possible. But there may be a few gaps here and there, especially in book reviews since I haven’t had very much reading time lately. But I will not disappear, that I promise you!)

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6 thoughts on “At the Crossroads of Lost and Where-Am-I-Going

  1. Take a week off from unpacking and anything ‘work’ like. Just veg and take time for you. Don’t write. Don’t make yourself craft. If you feel like doing something, do it, if not, don’t. You need some time to recharge. You’ve been going a million miles a minute for a long time now and you need to recharge your batteries. I’m willing to guess that if you tell yourself you’re taking a whole week off, within two you’ll feel better and ready to tackle some things. Don’t do it. Take the week. By the last day you’ll have accomplished more by not doing anything than if you’d been going at breakneck speed. Take time for you. {{hugs!}}

  2. I agree with Tameri. It sounds like it’s time to take some time to “sharpen the saw,” as Stephen Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) would say. Taking some time to veg makes a world of difference. Hope you find a solution to the conundrum soon. :)

  3. Sleep, woman. For the love of all that’s holy, sleep! Well, more specifically, do what Tameri says. Moving is one of the most stressful life events ever. Take a break and don’t beat yourself up for not doing things that “should” be done. It’ll all kick back into gear eventually. :-)

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