This post is trigger-free!
If you didn’t catch it already, don’t forget to read part one of this post, “The Confession,” posted today as well. That one does have a trigger warning, but it is listed first thing at the top of the post. That post is more emotionally raw, and will not be for everyone.
This post is about role models…. though I doubt you’ll guess mine, unless you’re one of a handful of people who already know! (Don’t worry, you’ll find out soon…)
I have more than one role model in the world. Some are still alive, some are not. Some are real, some are fictional. There are different people I look up to for different parts of myself and who I want to be. But this blog fest is about celebrating our concepts of beauty and how we attribute these thoughts and images to ourselves, so today I’ll share a special role model with you.
It is no secret, if you know me even a little, even if you only know me online, that I love Japanese rock music. I have songs for every style of rock and fitting any kind of mood you can imagine. The more I listen to Japanese rock, the less I appreciate American rock. (We are so limited in so many ways! Of course all of this is speaking in majorities, there are always exceptions on both sides, but I’m a J-Rock girl at heart.)
I have a few different role models in the J-Rock world, but there is one in particular: Hizaki.
I know this blog fest isn’t all about outer beauty, but what’s on the outside can sometimes make us feel better on the inside. I don’t mean trying to change yourself to be something you are not. I don’t mean lamenting that you don’t look the same as someone you’ve seen on film or in photos.
I mean treating yourself well through health, pampering, and whatever it takes to make you feel beautiful and proud of your appearance. Hizaki is my role model in this.
I am not a girly-girl, until you put me in Victorian dresses and such. (I’m a GREAT old-fashioned girly-girl.) But that’s not because I don’t want to be. It’s because I’m lazy, and I also don’t know how to be girly and feminine in a modern way. I kind of always let myself slide along, half afraid of trying to be more feminine and fearing I’ll fail miserably at it.
I always secretly envied the put-together girls in high school more than the pretty ones. The pretty ones had genes I couldn’t have. And there were days I envied them… but then I would remember that fact. I was me, one way or another, there was no reason to covet somebody else’s DNA. So I envied the put-together girls instead. The ones who knew just how to do their hair and their makeup and dress oh-so-nicely. Because I knew deep down many of them were just like me, so they were something I COULD become. If only I knew how.
It sounds silly, but I never asked. And now that I’m 25 it sounds even sillier to ask. (To me.)
But over the last year or so, I’ve had the urge to become more feminine in my own way, but I never quite got the full motivation to do it. Enter Hizaki.
Hizaki is one of two guitarists in the Japanese visual kei band, Versailles. Hizaki is also arguably one of the best guitarists in all of Japanese rock. (I’ll post a video at the end of this post that is an instrumental piece from Versailles. You’ll be amazed! Although Teru, the other guitarist, is also incredible. The pair of them are unlike anything else.)
In my eyes, Hizaki is utterly gorgeous. But I will never look like him.
Oh yeah… did I mention Hizaki is a GUY?
(It’s actually quite common for many men in Japanese rock to dress femininely; it’s considered part of the fashion and image of many of the sub-genres in rock… Hizaki is just the best at it.)
I’ll never have Hizaki’s genes to look this pretty, but if as a guy he can put himself together to look this beautiful, then surely I can learn how to treat myself better too!
So I’ve started working out to lose a bit of weight and tone down again. (If you read part one of my blog fest posts, I’m actually, medically, overweight now. Not by much, but enough that my doctor would like me to lose a few pounds for my health.)
I’m not just working out, but I’m trying to change at least a few things in my diet as well. And my awesome husband is with me on this, so we can encourage each other along the way. We’re starting very slow, but one good change will lead to another and perhaps by the end of the year we’ll see some solid results!
Exercising and eating better are great changes, both on the inside AND (hopefully with time) the outside. But I want to pamper myself more on the outside as well. I want to learn to be the girl I never saw myself as.
It sounds silly, but this includes taking lots of long baths. Sometimes with a good book, sometimes with my spiral to do my own writing, sometimes with no distractions at all. I indulged myself in all sorts of wonderful little milk baths and body scrubs and other assorted smell-goods too. I need to learn how to relax, and let the stress wash away. So I pamper myself. I’m starting to take better care of my nails. Give myself mini facials to keep my skin looking better. All little things I was too lazy to do before, not realizing how wonderful these little ‘tasks’ make me feel in the end. I’ve learned what I viewed as time-wasters are actually quite rewarding.
I bought better makeup. You know, the kind I really like from the department store instead of the half-priced stuff I used to get at Wal-Mart. It’s more expensive, but I use less and it lasts longer. Plus, it looks better on me and doesn’t kill my skin quite as bad. I’m still getting in the hang of doing my makeup more often and deciding what looks best on me, but I’m a work in progress. (And when I say wearing makeup, I don’t mean putting on bronzer and eyeliner and the whole overdone shebang. A little can go a long way!)
I’ve always been paranoid about changing my hair. I liked my hair to begin with, so what would happen if I changed it and didn’t like it?! I didn’t think I’d cope. I actually let my hair be layered after I got married, and it turned out I liked it. Then for the Avengers premiere, I let my hair be dyed dark red so I could dress as Black Widow. Turns out… it looked great on me. Even when it faded. So at some point this year I’m going to do something a little more drastic, a little more daring. Some kind of style I love, something I think is sweet and feminine, but involves far more than a little layering. I hope it turns out okay. If it doesn’t, well, I’ll figure something else out. But I’ve got to try. And honestly, though I’m a bit nervous, I’m kind of excited. I feel like it’s a mini-step in transforming the me I am on the outside to the me I think I am on the inside.
Another step, probably the final, is to change what’s in my closet. It doesn’t have to be drastic, but I want to start finding nicer things to wear (read as nice in image, not necessarily in expense). I already have some of these things, but I have far too many fading or ill-fitting shirts too. And honestly, I will fall back on those 3 out of 4 times if I’m not planning on ‘looking nice’ that day. I need to let many of those go. Get rid of those options. Kind of like eating. If I fill the pantry with healthier things, that’s what I’ll eat. If I fill my closet with better clothing that suits me more, that’s what I’ll wear.
So my unlikely role model is Hizaki… someone who has inspired me to finally take the fabulous me I’ve been imaging in my head and make her a reality. Her personality is already shining through, now it’s time to make me look like her too!
This post is part of the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest.